Tuesday, March 3, 2009

lunchbox speaks out

My creative director affectionately refers to me as Lunchbox, given my affinity for terribly fattening food and the fact that I'm constantly proclaiming that "I'm starving. Let's eat something already." Today he sent me an email asking "What is Lunchbox's opinion of this list?" Here's the link:


And, since all of my clients are at an off-site for the next four days and I have found myself with all-too-uncommon spare time, here was my response:

"10 – Chili’s Big Mouth Bites: Completely. Over. Rated. They’re always cold when they come out, the onion strings get soggy before they hit your table, they never put enough bacon on them and you always get a judging look from your local JuCo student waitress when you have to ask for extra ranch.

Lunchbox suggestion: Skillet Queso, the classic version with the perfectly round bits of pre-formed meat swimming in chili-cheese gravy. It comes in a giant plastic bag before they heat it up in the skillet. If you must have the Big Mouth Bites, make it part of a Triple Play so you can at least enjoy some Chicken Crispers (the classic, tempura-fried ones; not the new-school chicken-fried nonsense) and Hot Wings along with the tiny burgers.

9 – Applebee’s Loaded Mashed Potatoes: Pretty solid.

Lunchbox suggestion: Fiesta Lime Chicken with fries instead of rice, side of ranch dressing. It used to be called the Tequila Lime Chicken but too many old bitties got their panties in a twist because they thought the sauce was going to turn them tipsy.

8- IHOP’s Crispy Banana Carmel Cheesecake: Sick out.

Lunchbox suggestion: Patty melt on white bread with no onions, hashbrowns instead of fries, side of ranch and a short-stack of pancakes. Let the butter melt on top of the stack while you eat your sandwich, then spread it over the pancakes. You’ll be left with a soggy butter spot on top of the pancakes. Eat this first, then use the hole as a syrup caddy.

7 – PF Chang’s Crab Wontons: Meh.

Lunchbox suggestion: Lettuce Wraps and Mongolian Beef. No ranch on this one.

6 – WH Chocolate Chip Waffles: No mention of the perfectly round hashbrowns?

Lunchbox suggestion: Perfectly round hashbrowns, side of bacon, side of ranch.

5 – Ruth’s Chris Filet: Never tried it.

4 – Cheesecake Factory’s Fried Mac ‘n Cheese Balls: High marks.

Lunchbox suggestion: Order the Fried Mac ‘n Cheese Balls alongside a Well-Mannered Dirty Martini, extra olives. They stuff the olives with blue cheese. It’s classy. Oh, and ranch.

3 – Denny’s Moons Over My Hammy: Ham? Sick. And they don’t even use bacon on the sandwich. Plus, my college boyfriend used to order this one all the time and his voice was really annoying when he said it. He’s fat and bald now, though. No hard feelings.

Lunchbox suggestion: Superbird, upgrade to the seasoned fries, with two sides of ranch (one for your ‘Bird, one for your fries).

2 – Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits: Amasing.

Lunchbox suggestion: Cheddar Bay Biscuits with a side of ranch.

1 – Outback Steakhouse’s Aussie Cheese Fries: Absolutely my favorite chain-restaurant appetizer of all time. When working at the Tyler Outback, I just called these guys “dinner”.

Lunchbox suggestion: Order them as “layered cheese fries.” This way, they put half of the fries down, then cover them with bacon and cheese, then add the rest of the fries, then top those with more bacon and cheese. Totally worth the extra $1.49. You’ll need extra ranch, though.

Yep, pretty busy today…"

Thoughts? Additions? Builds? Feel free to contribute. These discussions were God's sole intent when he created online communities.

1 comment:

the lockeness monster said...

Applebee's Boneless Buffalo Wings. With Ranch instead of Bleu Cheese, obvs.
During a period of 5 months that I like to refer to as, "The Time We Never, Ever Speak Of", I worked at Applebee's.
Those little babies were my savior. Until I gained 10 pounds and lost any remaining dignity I had when the khakis I was forced to wear no longer fit.
The last straw came when a manager pulled me into his office one day, and told me I was 'management material'.
I popped a blood vessel and the button on my pants and hightailed it out of there.