Monday, March 23, 2009

this is my job.

Today in a brainstorm, an account sup used these words to describe how she'd ideally like for us to meet the objective:

"We're going for LOL, not WTF."

And she was serious. NFW.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

the grand gesture

Not to sound like Carrie Bradshaw again, but I've been thinking a lot (meaning, I've been thinking for the last 10 minutes) about The Grand Gesture and its implications in relationships. Recently coming out of a long-term, quite serious, emotionally taxing and wholly chaotic relationship myself, I've been contemplating all of the things that one must go through to get over and move on afterward. But with that comes thoughts of "what if...?" The biggest "what if...?" as of this moment is "what if... he showed up with The Grand Gesture?"

The Grand Gesture, according to a focus group of me, is something that is done out of selflessness, regardless of potential impending personal humiliation, to show the vast dedication that one has to making the situation work. No matter how bad it could have been, no matter what you've gone through; this is the one last chance the person has of making things work.

In my dating history, which has been enormously flawed and ridiculously time-consuming (I haven't been this single in over a decade, which I discovered the other day with a calculator and some self-therapy), I've been privy to at least three of The Grand Gestures.

The Grand Gesture part 1: My high-school boyfriend and I broke up at the Dairy Queen (I wish I could make this up) after a tumultuous three-week argument with my parents, where they felt as though he was becoming too controlling in my life. In retrospect, they were right in feeling that way. Also in hindsight, I was mid-adolescent and looking for anything that would validate my existence outside of the family. In other words, both parties had good points. After the steak finger break-up (mmm... steak fingers and gravy...), my not-so-much-boyfriend decided to have a volatile and tearful discussion with my parents about exactly why we should remain together. I sat idly by and watched, thinking that whatever he was offering wasn't worth the drama that would ensue. We were finished.

The Grand Gesture part 2: My college boyfriend and had been having difficulties with our personal relationships and were in the process of breaking up. The sexual chemistry was incredible - I still credit him (silently) with teaching me everything I know about pleasing a penis - but we were from different worlds. His was a world inhabited by self-aggrandizing assholes; mine wasn't. But The Grand Gesture came when we went to a university baseball game and he had the entire stadium serenade me with "Happy Birthday, to the girl in Section 2, Row 3 in the pink shirt." I was happily embarrassed by the limelight, but sat idly by and watched while thinking that whatever he was offering wasn't worth the drama that would ensue. We were finished.

The Grand Gesture part 3: My later college boyfriend and I were separated by a summer of an internship (on my part) and summer school (on his part). He came home with me in July and met my family, and they deemed him "too quiet and intense." Personally, I preferred these characteristics, as "too quiet and intense" translated to me as "the guy who gave me seven orgasms in one day without taking a break to discuss our relationship status." To this day, my friends simply refer to him as "Seven". I eventually realized that my parents were smarter than I was, especially considering they didn't have The Orgasm Fog to cloud their judgement. We moved toward a break-up and he decided that the only way to salvage the relationship was to show up in my home town, search for my parents throughout an entire day at their infernal small-town hot-spots (home, place of business, workshops, what-have-you) so that he could read for them a few excerpts from The Song of Solomon to describe his true feelings for their daughter. When he called to tell me this tale, I told him to drive himself the 101 miles back to his house and get his ass home. When he tried to explain himself later, I sat idly by and listened while thinking that whatever he was offering wasn't worth the drama that would ensue. We were finished.

So now, as I sit and wonder why I didn't get The Grand Gesture, I'm confused. Why would I even want The Grand Gesture? It hasn't done well in the past. The last long-term boyfriend (three-and-a-half years of relationship turmoil) resulted in a mix CD tucked under my windshield wiper and a bouquet of flowers in my doorway. Neither worked. Why would I daydream about my most recent ex showing up at my doorstep with a pained look in his eyes, then us kissing and ripping off clothes without even saying a word? The Grand Gesture doesn't work. It never has. It's always been a last-ditch effort to salvage something that was sinking too quickly to save in the first place.

So with that, I write this post. The Grand Gesture has been made in the past, and has been done so to show selflessness, regardless of potential impending personal humiliation. To show the vast dedication that one hast to making the situation work. But honestly, were any of them selfless? Were any of them done in abandon of personal and social implications? Is anything? And honestly, whatever he'd be offering wouldn't be worth the drama that would ensue.

We are finished.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

lunchbox speaks out

My creative director affectionately refers to me as Lunchbox, given my affinity for terribly fattening food and the fact that I'm constantly proclaiming that "I'm starving. Let's eat something already." Today he sent me an email asking "What is Lunchbox's opinion of this list?" Here's the link:

And, since all of my clients are at an off-site for the next four days and I have found myself with all-too-uncommon spare time, here was my response:

"10 – Chili’s Big Mouth Bites: Completely. Over. Rated. They’re always cold when they come out, the onion strings get soggy before they hit your table, they never put enough bacon on them and you always get a judging look from your local JuCo student waitress when you have to ask for extra ranch.

Lunchbox suggestion: Skillet Queso, the classic version with the perfectly round bits of pre-formed meat swimming in chili-cheese gravy. It comes in a giant plastic bag before they heat it up in the skillet. If you must have the Big Mouth Bites, make it part of a Triple Play so you can at least enjoy some Chicken Crispers (the classic, tempura-fried ones; not the new-school chicken-fried nonsense) and Hot Wings along with the tiny burgers.

9 – Applebee’s Loaded Mashed Potatoes: Pretty solid.

Lunchbox suggestion: Fiesta Lime Chicken with fries instead of rice, side of ranch dressing. It used to be called the Tequila Lime Chicken but too many old bitties got their panties in a twist because they thought the sauce was going to turn them tipsy.

8- IHOP’s Crispy Banana Carmel Cheesecake: Sick out.

Lunchbox suggestion: Patty melt on white bread with no onions, hashbrowns instead of fries, side of ranch and a short-stack of pancakes. Let the butter melt on top of the stack while you eat your sandwich, then spread it over the pancakes. You’ll be left with a soggy butter spot on top of the pancakes. Eat this first, then use the hole as a syrup caddy.

7 – PF Chang’s Crab Wontons: Meh.

Lunchbox suggestion: Lettuce Wraps and Mongolian Beef. No ranch on this one.

6 – WH Chocolate Chip Waffles: No mention of the perfectly round hashbrowns?

Lunchbox suggestion: Perfectly round hashbrowns, side of bacon, side of ranch.

5 – Ruth’s Chris Filet: Never tried it.

4 – Cheesecake Factory’s Fried Mac ‘n Cheese Balls: High marks.

Lunchbox suggestion: Order the Fried Mac ‘n Cheese Balls alongside a Well-Mannered Dirty Martini, extra olives. They stuff the olives with blue cheese. It’s classy. Oh, and ranch.

3 – Denny’s Moons Over My Hammy: Ham? Sick. And they don’t even use bacon on the sandwich. Plus, my college boyfriend used to order this one all the time and his voice was really annoying when he said it. He’s fat and bald now, though. No hard feelings.

Lunchbox suggestion: Superbird, upgrade to the seasoned fries, with two sides of ranch (one for your ‘Bird, one for your fries).

2 – Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits: Amasing.

Lunchbox suggestion: Cheddar Bay Biscuits with a side of ranch.

1 – Outback Steakhouse’s Aussie Cheese Fries: Absolutely my favorite chain-restaurant appetizer of all time. When working at the Tyler Outback, I just called these guys “dinner”.

Lunchbox suggestion: Order them as “layered cheese fries.” This way, they put half of the fries down, then cover them with bacon and cheese, then add the rest of the fries, then top those with more bacon and cheese. Totally worth the extra $1.49. You’ll need extra ranch, though.

Yep, pretty busy today…"

Thoughts? Additions? Builds? Feel free to contribute. These discussions were God's sole intent when he created online communities.